Monday, July 30, 2012

Silence... what does it mean?

My fingers have ached to write over the last two months, my mind has written so many things without ink, all while my heart protests that writing will empty the energy store allotted for survival.  How can I feel such conflict?!  I realized during our journey with Piper what a gift writing has been for me.  I asked God to allow me to be a pencil in His hand, and that He will continue to accomplish His purpose for Piper's life through me.  Am I a tool that can be used, and yet so weak?  The lives of my children  demand my outpouring of words - not out of obligation but out of a place of fullness, a desire to share the blessing they have given me! 
Silence has provided healing and I am beginning to understand my need to put the pen to rest for moments or more until the time is right.  It's as if I am a watering can.  Full.  With a need to water so many things in a day.  To water the plants that need it the most.  To water some of the ones that could use it.  But is there enough water in the can to create a puddle to splash in?  What happens when it's empty?  Only the most essential uses get attention.  The others do when there is excess in the can. 
I feel a need to conserve energy.  Do I want to spend that energy playing with Peyton and delving in deep with him, or cooking and planning meals?  Do I want to spend energy nurturing Jordan's heart or participating in an activity?  There is a cost to everything right now, as if I have all of a sudden been made aware of the balance, or the balance has been made lower.  Grieving takes so much work!  Even on the days I don't go to the deep places or feel I am actively grieving.  I had forgotten the physiological impact of grief!  Even while there is so much peace and joy.

To everyone following this tender shoot, thank you.  I will be back now and again, when the needs of my mind and my hands overwhelm my heart.  There are still so many thoughts asking for ink.