Monday, July 30, 2012

Silence... what does it mean?

My fingers have ached to write over the last two months, my mind has written so many things without ink, all while my heart protests that writing will empty the energy store allotted for survival.  How can I feel such conflict?!  I realized during our journey with Piper what a gift writing has been for me.  I asked God to allow me to be a pencil in His hand, and that He will continue to accomplish His purpose for Piper's life through me.  Am I a tool that can be used, and yet so weak?  The lives of my children  demand my outpouring of words - not out of obligation but out of a place of fullness, a desire to share the blessing they have given me! 
Silence has provided healing and I am beginning to understand my need to put the pen to rest for moments or more until the time is right.  It's as if I am a watering can.  Full.  With a need to water so many things in a day.  To water the plants that need it the most.  To water some of the ones that could use it.  But is there enough water in the can to create a puddle to splash in?  What happens when it's empty?  Only the most essential uses get attention.  The others do when there is excess in the can. 
I feel a need to conserve energy.  Do I want to spend that energy playing with Peyton and delving in deep with him, or cooking and planning meals?  Do I want to spend energy nurturing Jordan's heart or participating in an activity?  There is a cost to everything right now, as if I have all of a sudden been made aware of the balance, or the balance has been made lower.  Grieving takes so much work!  Even on the days I don't go to the deep places or feel I am actively grieving.  I had forgotten the physiological impact of grief!  Even while there is so much peace and joy.

To everyone following this tender shoot, thank you.  I will be back now and again, when the needs of my mind and my hands overwhelm my heart.  There are still so many thoughts asking for ink.


  1. Kari, how "exceeding abundantly" did God answer your request to be a pencil used for Him! I think about the verses in Isaiah, about God's word going out and not returning without accomplishing His will. "...but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it." (55:11b)
    To me, you are such an instrument of His, and He is so evidently communicating His words through you and yours. Your writing hasn't failed to return without accomplishing such a powerful purpose. You are a tangible example of how God delivers on His promises to guard a heart and mind with peace. I pray that you feel comfort returned after you send out your words that give so much to us. I still wonder at how God's will plays out at times, such as in the way hope, encouragement, peace and comfort are received by us, your "readers", when I'm quite sure we have the intentions of giving those things to you.
    One of the most humbling experiences I've ever known has been your willingness to share such depths of your heart and soul. That you have been so willing to share your sweet babies, gives me a bit more of an understanding at how God's power is revealed. It's not the absence of heartache, grief and loss for which I have no understanding, that creates the best picture of His love. It is that those elements, so significantly making up your story, aren't having the final say. In this tender time of grieving, the greatest picture of God's love is seen through your willingness to be His instrument. Take time for rest sweet friend. Know that you're being faithfully upheld in prayer. Part of those prayers are for you to continue to feel surrounded by all of the love sent to you through thoughts and conversations with our God. How I wish I were close enough to ring your doorbell just to give you a hug.

  2. Kari my dear friend,
    It is so wonderful to experience a small piece of your world. I love reading your posts, and still check in often. Martin and I continue to pray for you guys, and so wish we lived closer so I could stop by for tea. Thank-you for sharing this experience with us, you continue to inspire.
    Much love to you, Jordan, and Peyton.

  3. You don't know me (a friend of a friend led me here), but I've been following your story since (almost) the beginning of this blog and have lifted your family up in prayer many, many times. I'm not a cryer, but have cried many tears along with you. What a blessing your joy in this extraordinarily difficult time is to my heart, especially as a fellow mommy. We are expecting baby 2 in October and if it's a girl, I'm strongly considering the name Piper in your sweet little girl's honor. (and because I love the name) Thanks for writing, God bless your family. :)