I cannot believe it will be five weeks since we last heard Piper's giggle and saw her scoot. Time has flown and crawled at the same time, and it stops when we think about losing her. It crawls when she seems uncomfortable. It flies when we snuggle with her and wish for more. The doctors suggested that her time might be short a few times over the last few weeks and she continues to surpass their expectations. Jordan and I have prepared ourselves (as much as one can) to let her go and then she turns around again. It is a bit of a yo-yo game emotionally. We never stop praying for a miracle, but we also pray that if that cannot be that God will carry us, that He will be gentle to Piper and that He will provide peace. I cannot describe where we are at emotionally except to say that we spend much of each day at peace. We laugh. We love. We celebrate. We cry. We groan. There are so many emotions in a day!
My favourite moments today: Watching Piper enjoy her bath and then snuggling with her afterwards - there is nothing like kissing a baby's head with that soft, just-clean hair. Watching Jordan nuzzle her cheeks and adjust her position until she was as close to him as he could get her so she could hear his heartbeat and feel him breath. Listening to Peyton giggle uncontrollably as my mom tried to walk around the room with him attached to her leg like a leech. Sitting here now writing next to Piper, watching her sleep so peacefully.
Piper is comfortable and spends most of her time sleeping still. Her awake times are very short, about 5 minutes and to the untrained eye, it would appear she is still asleep. She might move her hand, she might make a sound or two, but she most often just moves her eyebrows or moves her mouth a bit. She seems very content most of the time, but does not like to be awake much. She whines when she is too awake but thankfully can usually be settled by an adjustment of her position or a snuggle and a song. I don't know why she whines when she's awake but it doesn't seem to be pain bothering her because it doesn't bother her at all while she sleeps. It has been difficult for me to imagine what her experience of this must be. I hope she doesn't struggle with it, that it doesn't upset her emotionally. The doctors are quick to remind me not to attribute adult emotions to her but I find myself wondering how she must feel in terms of how I imagine I would feel. I hope she is content and feels our love for her. I try so hard to provide comfort for her, I hope it makes a difference in her little mind. I pondered this last thought recently and realized that as much as I am hoping she will feel my comfort and accept it, God must be thinking the same of me many times over. As Piper removed my hand (intended for comfort) from her stomach today I thought, "Do I ever remove God's hand of comfort?" My goal was her comfort. What is His? Will she accept it? Do I? Piper my love, you are teaching me so much! I love you!!!