Saturday, May 12, 2012
Now you are dancing... running with dainty steps across the soft floors of Heaven, enchanted by love so perfect, captivated by beauty, surrounded by comfort, wrapped in peace and yet missed so desperately. I felt you were leaving last night, that you were nearly ready to go, but it seemed you wanted to live to the fullest for every single minute you would fill this physical body. The nurses wondered at how you were so determined to be so strong last night, unusually so in comparison to many they have seen. I cannot describe the feeling it created when I held you for hours before bed last night, trying to meld your body with mine, kissing your head as many times as I could. We cuddled long and sweet, and you shared your time with both Daddy and me so willingly, thank you. When we went to bed it was only with reluctance. I felt it was nearing time to let you go and didn't want to miss a breath! Even as I lay next to you trying to warm your little feet, sleep would not come. I had tried to prepare my heart for this moment, but how could I when I have loved being with you so much and this would mean being apart from you for far too long? I lay there a long time, covering you in prayer and trying to will you to know how much love I felt for you. If love could have created a cocoon, you would have been in the thickest, softest one imaginable. I will always treasure the wee hours of the morning today, as you and I lay close enough to feel each other breathing, body to body. Close enough for you to know my presence even with your eyes closed. Close enough for me to sleep with my lips near enough to kiss your soft head. With your little feet were tucked into my legs to keep them warm. I must have drifted off in contentment sometime after I was sure I had done everything I could to surround you with my love and with comfort. The nurses came in at 3 a.m. this morning to check on you and we were asleep together, almost as one. I had asked them last night to help me rotate you sometime in the night and as this seemed like the best time to do so they gently turned you on your other side, checking to make sure you were comfortable before they left. You were now face to face with me and I tried to bring you into my embrace again. As I was moving your feet around to tuck them into the blanket and whispering to you, kissing your head, I heard your breathing change. Strange - you weren't challenging life with each breath any more, you seemed to be breathing life out. I woke Daddy and just as he leaned over to kiss you, you traded in your tenderly manicured toenail polish for dancing shoes. In a sigh you were gone. How do I kiss you now? Piper, my love, I have loved you more deeply than I thought possible and my heart feels broken in this moment. I know time will heal and God will reshape the wounds to make something beautiful out of them, but I don't want to think about that yet. I am just sad I cannot hold you again, sad I cannot feel your gentle touch, sad I cannot watch your vibrant blue eyes light up. I know you are ok, but selfishly today, I just want you here. How can I expect that I would not feel a gaping hole when I have held you so close for hours every day over the last 6 weeks -- my body is in withdrawal of the most severe kind. I can feel your weight burning a spot in my being, creating a Piper-shaped space that will never be filled. I feel Drew's still, and I know that whatever life brings, these spaces will always be there, almost tangible in nature. Thank you for leaving your mark on me Piper. You will forever be one of the best parts of my life!!!
I would be remiss to close this post without saying thank you to everyone who has contributed to allowing me to enjoy Piper to the fullest at every stage. I hope you all know who you are! I will try to say thank you better in a later post, but right now, please just know that our hearts are full, overflowing with gratitude at all those that made the time with Piper during her illness one full of treasured moments.
To those wondering what to pray about, thank you for your prayers and please continue to pray. Pray for Peyton especially as we work to help him make sense of things. I have tried to write about his experience a few times now but am unable to get through a post yet. There are so many pictures of them together and memories of their relationship that I couldn't settle on the best ones to share. I pray God will soothe his heart even more than my own. Thank you.
We will post more information here about a celebration of Piper's life in the days to come. Thank you for following our story!
(One note -- for any who may desire to send flowers perhaps you would consider donating "In Memory Of Piper Clark" to the Alberta Children's Hospital Foundation. Thank you!)