I am so confused at this moment. My emotions are in a jumble. We have experienced so much peace from day one of this journey with Piper, but today my mind feels like someone took it and stirred things up. I still feel peace and God's presence, but I am in an uncertain place emotionally. I go from wanting everyone around to wanting silence to just sit with Piper all by myself, from wanting to laugh to wanting to cry, from being certain we have done everything we can to wondering if we have. It's a good thing Jordan can't see the circles I am going in! He is so good at helping me verbally process things but talking in these circles would not be good for either of us!
Where is the jumble of emotions coming from? I think it is a combination of things. I think it must have a lot to do with the normal grief process and the stages we are in, and it must have a lot to do with how Piper is doing right now too. With Drew, we were really unable to process our grief and the decisions that we had to make at so many points until after he was gone because we were in a constant state of crisis. With Piper, there have thankfully been very few crises. I am not saying things have been easy, but if you compare situations, things have been very calm and there have been far fewer complications than we experienced with Drew. We haven't gone from one event to another, one change to another and one obvious deterioration to another. It has been a gentle slope down -- quick but gentle. This gentle slope and absence of crisis has allowed us to be in a different emotional state. It feels as if the grief process has begun, even though Piper is still here. I am not sure if I am grieving the loss that seems inevitable at this point or if I am grieving the loss that has already occurred... the loss of the little girl I knew before she got sick. I don't think there is even an answer to this, because it's probably both and more. It puts me into an interesting place though, because as I hold Piper and kiss on her, snuggle with her and try to get as close as possible, I feel I can only get so close. I scold myself, reminding myself to live in the moment but it is hard to feel that this Piper I am trying to treasure is the Piper I have loved. I do enjoy each opportunity to sit with her and hold her more than words can say, but I think I miss her, even while I am holding her. How can that be??!!!? I am making an effort to love her in the moment and enjoy each one not thinking about the future, but that is a decision made with the mind. My heart is more difficult to manage.
Piper is still doing alright all things considered. I have been calling her my little Energizer Bunny - she keeps going and surprising many around her. I am one of the many surprised by her, but I can understand those that are. She has always done things her own way and I learned early on that I should not try to predict her next move. I love that even now she is doing things her own way. God is allowing us one more day to cuddle, one more day to tell her all the things we want to tell her, one more day for Peyton to read to her and to act like a true big brother with her, making her hands move in ways that make mommy nervous or holding her like she won't break! These days are valuable to my heart! My heart is grateful even now. To everyone praying for our family, thank you! Your prayers are working. God's miracle might not be healing, but it certainly is evident in how we are able to feel in the middle of this. We won't say healing is impossible at any point, but it seems He is working in other ways. I am just grateful to be supported by Someone who works everything out for the good of those that love Him. How that will look I cannot say, but I am confident in Him. He is doing so much for us!