Saturday, May 12, 2012

Midnight musings

This situation has brought me to my knees in so many ways.  I recognize now more than ever that I am fragile, that I am incapable of playing God, that I can do so little when I want to do so much, and that I cannot have all the answers I want!  What do the wanderings of my heart look like in the dark hours of the night and the quiet hours of cuddles during the day?  I find it helpful to write them out because when I verbally process (writing counts!) it seems to help me make sense of the circles my mind runs in, then somehow I can rest.

Some of my musings:
What takes more faith - praying selfishly for Piper's physical healing or praying that my heart will be open to whatever the outcome is and not just ok, but full?  

If Piper isn't healed physically, was my faith too weak?  It becomes my fault if I say that her physical healing is dependent on the strength of my faith.  Then I am putting my faith in the power of my prayer instead of in the power of God.  Is it a cop-out to allow myself to pray both for her healing and to allow for the possibility that she may not be?  I looked for an answer on this and remembered that Jesus prayed,  "Abba!  Father!  All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will."  (Mark 14:36)  

Would Piper rather I pray that she can stay here with me or that she can be in a place with no tears, with no pain, with no suffering and with more safety and security, more beauty, more wonder, and more love than I can provide, let alone fathom?

Are all the incredible things we have experienced just coincidence?  Is it God working?  If I choose to believe it is, where does that put me?  If I choose to believe they are just coincidence, what does that do for me?  What is the better place to be?  Is there a downside to believing it could be God working?  There certainly are benefits to believing it is.  I find that believing God is beyond explanation and my small understanding provides more comfort than less.  


  1. Oh Kari, if only we could have answers to these incredibly difficult questions. My prayer will be for God to give you peace in them, and that you will continue to find comfort in your knowledge that God is beyond explanation and our small understanding.

  2. You have been daily in our prayers - your sweet Piper, your spunky Peyton, your enduring marriage, your emotional ability to not only survive but shine. Since Pink for Piper day, each time Jemma wears pink (almost daily) she and Gideon pray for Piper and Peyton and discuss their firm belief that God will take care of all of you.
    We have gathered up toys (both outgrown and some sacrificially given!) for the Tree House, the family support house in Tacoma by the children's hospital. We have prayed more, treasured the moment more, loved our children more, shown more patience and compassion, and been inspired by both of your response to the path laid out for you. We haven't gotten to cuddle and play with Piper like we did with Drew, but she has made a big impact on our little family. You are making a difference. Piper is making a difference in this world she has walked on so lightly.
    We love you.

  3. Kari~My heart hurts with yours and my mind asks these important questions with yours. What a gift Drew and Piper have been to push you and so many around you to honor God by your desire to understand him and his ways better because of this great sorrow and struggle. Your genuine faith shines bright in this dark place and I am touched by its glow. Please be in touch if I can share this hard road with you.

  4. I wish there were a blog by Abraham from the time when he was asked to sacrifice Isaac..I don't know for sure but perhaps he asked some of the same questions....I wish I had the answers for you...the more I think about it, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.
    Your musing about faith, tears right through and exposes my own inadequate understanding of faith and really God's Unconditional love, grace and mercy. Thank you for being vulnerable, honest and real with all of us from afar.

  5. Kari, I have thought to myself so often the words "lean not on your own understanding" when internally debating about your family's story, and then pray instead for you all more of the peace that surpasses it.
    A thought that once struck me about Jesus' prayer, was the idea that He did ask for the cup to be passed, and then almost as if in reiteration, He said "yet not as I will." It seemed like He was emphasizing that He didn't want to do what was being asked, and although conceded to God's will, He continued with stating He didn't want to. Willingness without wanting. I have found room to breathe when contemplating that. To me, you are living out the very essence of the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen. Your example is nothing short of amazing faith. You have shown willingness. Know that you are completely and lovingly surrounded by a collective "not wanting."
    Always praying.
    love, Brandi