This situation has brought me to my knees in so many ways. I recognize now more than ever that I am fragile, that I am incapable of playing God, that I can do so little when I want to do so much, and that I cannot have all the answers I want! What do the wanderings of my heart look like in the dark hours of the night and the quiet hours of cuddles during the day? I find it helpful to write them out because when I verbally process (writing counts!) it seems to help me make sense of the circles my mind runs in, then somehow I can rest.
Some of my musings:
What takes more faith - praying selfishly for Piper's physical healing or praying that my heart will be open to whatever the outcome is and not just ok, but full?
If Piper isn't healed physically, was my faith too weak? It becomes my fault if I say that her physical healing is dependent on the strength of my faith. Then I am putting my faith in the power of my prayer instead of in the power of God. Is it a cop-out to allow myself to pray both for her healing and to allow for the possibility that she may not be? I looked for an answer on this and remembered that Jesus prayed, "Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will." (Mark 14:36)
Would Piper rather I pray that she can stay here with me or that she can be in a place with no tears, with no pain, with no suffering and with more safety and security, more beauty, more wonder, and more love than I can provide, let alone fathom?
Are all the incredible things we have experienced just coincidence? Is it God working? If I choose to believe it is, where does that put me? If I choose to believe they are just coincidence, what does that do for me? What is the better place to be? Is there a downside to believing it could be God working? There certainly are benefits to believing it is. I find that believing God is beyond explanation and my small understanding provides more comfort than less.