Tuesday, April 10, 2012

In the moment

This moment is a good moment. I am content in this moment. Piper is breathing calmly, snuggled up in her Papa's lap sound asleep. We are meeting her needs in this moment and loving her in this moment. I am unable to live in any moment but this, really feeling deeply the truth, "do not worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own." When we were first getting suspicious that Piper may be sick I quickly realized that the only way to get through this would be to remind myself constantly that all I have to do is love Piper, in the moment. If I love her in the moment, anything we have to deal with will be ok because we will be making any decisions based on our love for her, and we will be seeking to do whatever we can in that moment to show her our love. I don't have to worry about what she will be like tomorrow, or later. I don't have to wonder if she will be ok or if it will be too hard to deal with certain experiences. All I have to do is love her right now. Right now. I am amazed how much relief that has brought, being willing to relinquish all moments but this one to one able to handle the rest. And I am grateful.
It has been strange. Living so intentionally in the moment. I guess I didn't realize how much we assume a future until we couldn't assume a future. Our experience with Drew taught us to live one day at a time, almost to the point that we were unable, or unwilling, to make plans for any day but the current one. Any time we would make plans, we would end up having to change them. It created a new paradigm that we took forward even after his journey here was done. We began to create plans again after a while, but only recognizing the frailty of our plans. When Piper was born this perspective was only reinforced. There were so many days where I would rock her to sleep, breathing her in, where I would find myself thinking, "I am so grateful for THIS experience." We have been so intentional, we have created so many moments, and yet I began to wonder, "What is the value of enjoying THIS moment? I can't take it with me, I can't keep it, I might not remember it, so what is the purpose of embracing it like this?" I think I finally get it... it seems that the value is that even if I can't remember every little kiss, every little nuance, every funny giggle and sound, these treasures have created a love that will change me forever! I might have forgotten some of the little things about Drew I hoped I never would, but those experiences filled me up and I am still full. I love him still. I am marked by him forever, shaped by my love for him. I am a better mom for Piper (and Peyton) because of him. I am so thankful for his life. And I am so thankful for Piper's life. Besides, who couldn't love this???


On a more present note - Piper is not doing well. I will try to post a summary of our journey over the last few weeks in a day or two, but for now, I will just let you know where today has taken us. She was doing alright yesterday but not tolerating feeds well, which she has been receiving through an ng tube for the last two weeks. It got worse last night and by early this morning her breathing was quick and shallow, she was mostly unaware and her prognosis was not good. We had to stop her feeds for now because she couldn't keep them in. It was difficult to watch her and yet even then, you could see her little fighter spirit. At her lowest point this morning, she could barely move a muscle but she wanted Daddy to let go of her hand (she has never liked to have her hands held or restrained in any way). He was holding it gently because she began having constant seizing in her arm and it seemed like a tangible way to help, to keep her from hitting her side over and over with the iv tubing attached to it. She summoned what strength she had to reach over, so slowly, and began to pull at his hand. My amazing little girl. Your strength overwhelms me. I could be stronger in that moment because of you.
We thought we were going to see her off this morning, but she had different plans. She has stabilized some over the course of the day and has been very comfortable all day. She has had her eyes open, those little blues that never want to miss a thing and can see right through to your soul. She was even moving her dainty little right hand, floating over her blanket, fingering it, intertwining her fingers in it. My heart relaxed a bit watching her find comfort in these little things today.
We will take it one day at a time, and we are uncertain of her future, but for today here are a few pictures of my favourite moments!






14 comments:

  1. I keep coming back to your blog tonight. I can't get Piper's amazing blue eyes out of my head. Seriously- could there be any three cuter children? I'm remembering Peyton and his feistiness- a gift I know God is using for His glory. I showed my boys these pics tonight and they couldn't believe how big Peyton was! And they thought Piper was Drew.:) Until they saw the pictures with her eyes open......goodness, she is beautiful.

    So many things going through our heads tonight. Thankful for you and Jordan. Thankful for your children. Thankful for your wisdom. Thankful for your examples. Praying and crying and praying and crying. And determined to enjoy 'this moment'. We love all of you dearly.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comments Erin, and even more for your prayers! We feel and value your love and support in many ways.
      I am sorry we never got to introduce you to our little Pips! She is a good mix between the boys' personalities, but possibly a little more like Peyton with the feistiness he has! She is so strong!
      We miss you guys! Thanks for following us and praying!

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  2. Dear Jordan, Kari, Peyton and Piper,

    I am very sorry to hear about all the hardships you have all had to encounter over the last little while. Miss little Piper is adorable! She sure is the prettiest girl I have ever seen! Please give her lots of kisses from me. I think of you often and always have since I met you. Drew was quite the giggler and always smiled when I came into the room. His big grin with no teeth is so avid in my mind. Your strength and determination to seize the day is empowering to all. I am sending you all my love, strength, and thoughts. Love Jessica Mueller ( Drew's nurse)

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  3. Kari and Jordan...Your folks left this morning, as far as I know. Maybe even last night. As I read what you write I know God has given you exactly what you needed, exactly what you need this second. Being in the moment. And here I was hoping to give you some peice of wisdom that would help you, but you already have it, God is good. In the middle of this that is happening, He gave you a way, He wrote it there, it was there when you were little and had not even met each other, it was there to give you comfort one day, this day, when you would need it. I am so grateful, and inspired. Piper inspires me, reaching out for her daddy, just that little bit, she really does have spunk, and that makes me smile, although yes, with tears, but it makes me smile. I hope I can always have that kind of spunk. Her eyes really tell it all! Oh my goodness, bright, shining blue, and that trace of fiestiness there, you can see it! I am thankfull for that, it helps her try and fight for her moments with you. I love you to pieces. Barb

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  4. Oh Kari, you and your sweet family are such an amazing testimony. You and Jordan are so strong and dedicated and all your children are blessed to have you as their parents.Sometimes I wish we could go back to being 6 and playing in the sandbox and all we had to worry about was if the neighborhood cats had decided to use it for their litter box! I miss you and your sweet smile. Sending thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. I love you.
    Michele

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  5. My heart hurts! All our love this moment is focused on you and yours - Roberta & family

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  6. Just want you to know we are continually thinking about you and praying for you. Makes me think of Ecclesiastes 3"...There is a time for everything... a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to weep and a time to laugh...a time to be silent and a time to speak..He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart;yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end...I know that everything God does will endure forever, nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it."
    I say these things because I don't have my own words. What a beautiful sweet girl that Piper is...an example of God's perfect creation.
    Love,
    Carrie and Earle

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  7. Dear Kari, Jordan, Peyton and Piper,
    The picture of you, Kari, reading to your family, instantly brought to my mind the first few lines of Chris Tomlin's beautiful song 'I Will Rise'. It starts...

    There's a peace I've come to know
    Though my heart and flesh may fail
    There's an anchor for my soul
    I can say "It is well"

    In your eyes I can see you know this peace. We think of your family constantly, and Drew still smiles at me every day - from the magnet on my microwave, and the card on my desk at work. You guys are a constant reminder of God's love, and an example of what happens when someone TRUSTS God! Thank you! We will continue to pray for your peace and wisdom. LOVE, Sue, Doug, Kyle and Ashley

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  8. Oh Kari, I have been thinking so much about you lately, wondering about your family and little Piper. I guess now I know why. I will be praying so hard for you dear friend as you walk through this journey again. In the short time I knew you, your faith and just God all over you was such a huge blessing and encouragement to me. Piper is such a treasure and my life has been blessed by her sweet smile. I'll be thinking of you in the days to come and crying big mother heart tears before the throne of God, who while I don't often understands I believe loves us more than we can imagine.
    -Jenn (from bible study, the hat maker. :) )

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  9. Kari and Jordan, I don't know if you'll remember me from Harding, but I've thought of you guys often, keeping up with your blog about Drew and now Piper. I just want you to know that someone else is lifting you up in prayer, and if I am, there have to be hundreds, thousands of others praying, too. God has walked me through a difficult season in this last year -- nothing like what you guys have walked through -- but the biggest thing that He is teaching me is that He sees me. He. sees. me. He sees every tear that falls, every pain to my heart, every small joy, and His love endures no matter what my circumstances here. May you feel His presence and His strength carrying you through these difficult days. I know that Piper has experienced nothing but love from you three and your families.

    With love in Christ,

    Sandi (Wright) Haustein

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  10. Kari, my sweet college roommate, I wish I had something more. Whatever it would be, I'd give it.

    I am reading, and my prayers are for you. Humbled.

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  11. Oh, Kari, I am just praying continually for you all. May you continue to feel God's presence and feel wrapped in his love. You are just an incredible mother.

    Prayers from Houston,
    Amy (Stump) McCathran

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  12. Rich and Andrea O'ConnellApril 12, 2012 at 8:17 PM

    I have no words to express the heartbreak we are sharing with you and the gratitude I feel to you for letting us share Piper with you right now. You are all in our thoughts and prayers constantly. Precious pictures of her and your family. I have no words... we love you.

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  13. Dear Kari, Jordan, Piper, and Peyton,
    I am in awe of the strength and courage of your family. I feel truly blessed to have met your inspirational family and am so incredibly sorry to hear about this heartbreak. But, somehow I know that little Piper is dancing away with her brother Drew both sharing their secret giggles. I wish I had the chance to meet your beautiful girl..those eyes speak a thousand words, and are absolutely beautiful. I often think about you and your family. I send you my prayers and love always.
    Sabrina Singh (Drew's Nurse)

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